Can I not have a normal relationship?
Can I not be happy?
I am tired of this feeling of being forgotten, neglected, unappreciated.
I do SO much...more than I have ever done for anybody, and I get nothing.



It's Birkir and I's 3-year anniversary...well, it would have been.
I wish he was here.

Hearts and thoughts, they fade.
Fade away.

Bitter...
that you can't find real love.
In real life.
Living, breathing.

Real. 


I never want to speak to you as long as I live.
Forget you ever put even a fingertip on my skin.

Because by the end of tonight, I'll have long forgotten.
 
And I'd much rather be a "selfish cunt" than a lonely, loveless soul. 
Believe THAT.

--------->  Before our innocence was lost, 
You were always one of those...
* Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry...

It's a song to say goodbye. //

 I won't be a child and delete him from silly, trivial things.
Just my heart.

I hate being alone...

but I love being free.

Is you and me...

Standing, almost scared, with a touch of hopelessness, staring into each other's eyes.
Hearts beating in unison, hair blowing in violently in the wind.
I don't know where we are...but it's very grey.
There are words circling us, but we're not saying anything.
It's not cold, but I'm shivering.


Why am I crying?

You cried once because I wanted to take myself from this world.
I cry because you want to take yourself from no one else but me.

It's going to be beyond difficult to go backwards...
All I fear is that I don't fuck myself over and go so far back to that point where I
didn't care at all.


All those arrows you threw...you threw them away...
You kept falling in love, and then one day...
When you fell, you fell towards me...
When you crashed in the clouds, you found me.
Please don't go.

But I'm going to have to let you.

Last night was my last tear, and this is the last time I mourn.
We cry over the death of anything beautiful.

I am not saying goodbye to you, I promise.
Just to everything that we can't ever be.

<3

 

Since it cannot be fixed, ailed, or medicated, I won't say anything, even though my words are leaking out of my fucking head.
There is still so much to fucking say, but it's too late.
Back to square one. Square goddamn zero.
One day, maybe, I'll write it all down.
The good and the bad will have their chance on paper.
I cried for a while.
I got over it once, I can do it again.
I know he doesn't care...so I will only spill it out if he asks what he did wrong.
...Even though he knows exactly what it is...
He won't ask a damn thing.


"Maybe I was wrong to hold you up so high...now I know I've lost you to the feelings I kept inside...
Someday, when it's over, and you never show your face,
I hope you'll remember how I tried to make you a place.
And so now, I move on to keep my peace of mind.
In some way, I've failed you, but I just ran out of time.
I don't know if it felt like I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time.
We're not on the same page, you don't even know me, 'cause you never took the time.
I'm not sure that you hear me. I'm not sure that you look at me the same.
I will always be attached to you, but I'm never gonna feel the same."
 

Sometimes I wish that the whole world around me would stop, just so I can think in absolute silence.



 You have no idea how hard it was going to sleep last night without hearing him tell me that he loved me.

I have work in 3 hours. Ugh.

I need to get 3 major things done for school.
1. Finish my college applications to Purchase and SVA.
2. Order my ring.
3. Apply for scholarships.
4. Get my shit together for Vicari to write me a letter of rec.

I want a new ipod. I think I want Uggs. I will never wear them in public. Those things are hideous.

I also need to get my ass down to Hot Topic on Friday, buy those hot ass sneakers, and buy the dress from White House Black Market.
I have a lot to do.


 

I bitch about my boyfriend a lot, but I love him to death.

I saw The Mist. The ending was horrible.

 

Yes, I am dead serious.
That, to me, is the epitome' of gorgeous.

We're looking at the one on the right, by the way.

Can we last through the winter?
The water’s starting to freeze.
The only one who remembers...
taking the wrong step falling in front of me.
This body’s already aging.
These nights are already long.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I wont call.

Congratulations, go home now.

Will we last through the winter?
Will we make it to see?
I never wanted a partner,
and I never loved you.
Now you are free to leave.
This heart is already frozen.
I can't remember the fall.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won't call.

Congratulations, go home now.

It's too late, it's too late.
They won't let go.
Follow five foot steps through that open door...


It must be buried under the heart
that makes this pace consistant.
You'll find it torn, that gate's been open.
And I’ve been wondering, if you'd been real with us.

It’s too late...


It's that start stop and go you've been dying for.

Dying for.

--- I got a letter back from Cooper Union. They received my application. I just have to find out if EVERYTHING is due by December 3rd. If it is, then fuck that shit. Impossible. I'm planning on doing my Purchase app. tomorrow and sending it in asap. I have to get this portfolio finished...ugh, WCC here I come.

--- K.V. and I talked on the phone for 2 hours the other night. He's insane and I fucking love it. LOVE it.

--- I started talking again to an "old friend", if you can say that. He sort of just re-invited himself back into my life, which is alright. I have come to know deep within myself that we all make mistakes. What I once loved about what he was never went anywhere. I don't know what can become of this, but I'm curious to find out.

--- As I am reconnecting with new friends, I am losing others. I cannot believe you.

--- Daryll and I are in some sort of puerile jealousy fight again. Ask me if I care.

--- I need to get my shit on track with school. It's going to fuck me up. I need to take the SATs again. My grades are completely fine, but colleges are absolutely insane with what they ask for nowadays. I wish I were black, sometimes. Then, I could get into any college I wanted...for free.

I've lost the inspiration to continue.

 

He said "What truly belongs here?" 
"Not I", she said.
"I’ll lie here with you. "
He knows no one shines forever,
they change with the weather.
He said "I've now stayed too long here".
"Goodbye", she said. 
"I’ll wait here for you."
He knows the winds carry sorrow,
as they leave she'll follow, they leave tomorrow.

Fragments of joy torn apart.
A freshly drained heart that beats
disguise themselves through him.
He’ll say that it’s nothing new,
and swear this is true.
For you, I’ll swallow the ocean.

I'll swallow the ocean.

He said "Who truly belongs here?"
"Not I", she said.
"I'll lie here, to you."
I know this sorrow is sacred 
and I’ll never break you.
I’ll softly save you.

Fragments of joy torn apart.
A freshly drained heart that beats
disguise themselves through him.
He’ll say that it’s nothing new,
and swear this is true.
For you, I’ll swallow the ocean.

I'll swallow the ocean.
 

* I'm starting to believe... 


The    O C E A N


           is much like you... //

'Cause it gives...

and it takes away...

You're cynical and beautiful
You always make a scene
You're monochrome delerious
You're nothing that you seem
I'm drownin' in your vanity
Your laugh is a disease
You're dirty and you're sweet
You know you're everything to me 
I wanna kick at the machine
That made you piss away you dreams
Tear down your defenses
'Til there's nothing there but me
You're angry when you're beautiful
Your love is such a tease
I'm drowning in your dizzy noise
I wanna feel you scream